What opened you to the truth about life?

April 21st, 2019

Well, this day was interesting. And it also happened to be Easter, and the day my dad decided, “Hm, fuck it, I’m leaving.”

The number of times I’ve mentioned this, the number of times I’ve been able to stop thinking about this. Whatever.

You would’ve thought that over 1.5 years later, I would’ve healed from it. I would’ve been over it by now.. but it’s something that’s on my mind 24/7. Every second of the day, it’s just a memory that’s glued to my brain and I can’t get it to go away.

It can really take over me sometimes. It can affect my mood, everything. That’s part of the reason why I can’t focus in school.

When I have to see people who are “so-called therapists” because they have a degree, it’s always the same. My mom tells them “Oh he has anger outbursts, anger issues”.

And you know what they do next? “Oh Matthew how’s your anger problems?” or “How are you controlling your anger issues?”

Honestly, I thought I was here because my dad walked out, not because I had “issues”. Actually quite frankly, I hardly even have these problems. They’re acting like it happens every second of every day when it only happens once to twice a week.

I guess your version of issues is me having a hard time getting over the fact that my father was a terrible person to I, refused to admit it, and then he LEFT.

Even worse, they mention my dad all the time. Every visit it’s like, “Oh are you ever planning to reconnect with your father?” And I’m honestly wondering what college they went to. If I said no the first time, no the second time, and no the third time, what makes you think I’ll say yes the 4th time?

Although they’re probably required to ask these questions, it’s really annoying being the one who has to answer that. Like if they were really as sensitive as they say they are, why do they ask such insensitive questions?

I hate not being able to know anything about my situation. The court won’t even let my mom tell me things, but oddly enough, she tells my sister and my brother things that she doesn’t tell me things. But maybe that’s for a reason? Wait before you say it, it’s not to protect me. I don’t need protection.

Back to my dad. He’s taught me many things. He’s taught me to always expect people to change, it’s bound to happen. The people I know today, aren’t the same as they were a few weeks ago. Nothings the same.

Everything changes and nothing stays the same. There’ll always be something new that you’ll have to do adapt to. Whether it’s a person, a job, anything in life there’ll always be something.

The thing I learned from that day when he walked out that door saying he’d be back in an hour because he was getting new shoes.. is that people are going to leave at some point. If they don’t really want to be there, there's going to come a time where they make the decision to leave you.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, or family. They’re people nevertheless. Yes, there's such thing as biological family, but sometimes friends are more of a family to you than the actual people you live with.

There are going to be those people who try and make you feel bad because of something that they did. There will be people who will leave and try and come back. There will be people who do that and will do everything they can to get back what they had left behind.

That’s what my dad did. He left, and now he wants us back. Well, he “wants” us back. I know he doesn’t actually love us, I know he doesn’t. It’s clear in all his actions, and words what he actually feels. The entire summer after that happened, he called and he called saying “I love you, I miss you”. The entire summer kid me not until the court forced him to stop.

But in short, life is a mystery. It can be lots of things. But what happened with my dad, that’s what helped me. Although it hurt me, although it’s still hurting me, I know that I’ve learned a lot from it.

People will come and go. Nothing is exactly what it seems. It’s really hard to trust people. So if I tell you things, consider yourself lucky.

I’m very careful about the words “friend” and “hate” because of this. Hate, I know what hate is. But guess what? I don’t hate anyone, as of right now I don’t. I don’t because it’s a waste of energy. Why should I be so caught up hating on someone because they wronged me? Why can’t I just, let it be. I know it’s not going to change. (I say that and then I start thinking about how much I hate him.. so I changed my mind, I do hate him(

I’m careful about “friend” because.. I’m not even sure if I know what a friend is. Like I’ve said I’ve had people come and go. People who have used me, lied, so on, and so on. That’s why if you ask, “Hey am I your friend?” and you’re a person who said “hi” to me once, that’s why my answer is no. I have trust issues, okay?

People say things all the time that they don’t mean. Whether it’s good or not it happens. They do things, say things but what makes the most impact, is how they choose to handle it afterward. For example:

“Hey, I’m gonna get shoes, be back, okay?”

So I’m just staring at him, trying not to cry, as I watch him hull out bags, after bags of garbage bags full of clothes. You know, you said you were getting shoes, does it take a year and a half to pick the right pair?

What I saw that as was, hm. Abandoning responsibilities. Running away after refusing to be a father enough to take responsibility for your own actions. Leaving your children, leaving your FAMILY!

Actions speak louder than words..

The funny thing is, you think we want you back!? I’m glad you left.

Don’t tell me I’m wrong, that’s the only thing it could be.. why else did you leave? If you loved us, you would’ve stayed. But who knows, I’m just a teenager with “issues”..

It’s hard to be okay these days. But you know, we’re human, we’ll survive. Have a nice day!

~Lord GaEyelephant